The Fuck Would I Say What For?

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Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:25:05 -0500

So you’ll forgive me if my tongue is in the cheek...

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:15:32 -0500

So you’ll forgive me if my tongue is in the cheek I’m turning.

Dessa - Veteran

Have you ever been so mad you ripped your own arm off?

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 21:40:53 -0500

Beloved toys from our childhood, part 9.

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 13:02:11 -0500

Beloved toys from our childhood, part 9.

This is the side of my face that doesn’t feel like someone...

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 13:02:04 -0500

This is the side of my face that doesn’t feel like someone hit it with a hammer.

This is also what I look like while waiting for Amazon to send me a beard trimmer to replace the one my fiancée’s asshole cat threw on the ground in one of his feline fits of dickish rage, rendering it useless.

On the plus side, there will be a lot of extra, swollen cheek to shave when it arrives.

Exciting ideas for 2012:

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 08:31:02 -0500

Makin’ Bacon Naked: the riveting TV show where I brave considerable personal peril to prepare bacon in the nude. It’s a morning show. On cable, probably.

No Hard Feelings: an erectile dysfunction support website where men and women can discuss the trials and tribulations living and loving with E.D.

The Fuck Is Wrong With You?: a nine part web series where I show models how to drink milk without spilling it all over their chest and face (apparently it’s very difficult for some people).

Working at Safeway: this is a job I get where I stock shelves at the grocery store third shift so I can get discounts on food, plus have something to do at 3am that isn’t masturbating.

If my best isn’t good enough then how can it be good...

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 16:12:54 -0500

If my best isn’t good enough then how can it be good enough for two?

Wham! - Everything She Wants

I drew this to illustrate my current dental situation. Since...

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 13:03:37 -0500

I drew this to illustrate my current dental situation.

Since approximately “morningtime” yesterday the new “top part” of the “big part” of my “hell tooth” (these are all technical industry terms with which you might not be familiar) has been “wiggly” and “killing me”.

I have spent 35 minutes today attempting to get ahold of it with an adjustable wrench to no avail.

I believe it is no longer attached to the “death root” (hence the creation of the PAIN HOLE) but it seems to nonetheless be firmly affixed to the surrounding gums, making it impossible to remove without considerable (excruciating) agony.

I found some old codeine tablets in my laundry room or I would be typing this from the floor. As it stands I am typing it from my desk chair with a bag of frozen berries pressed firmly to my swollen face.

Did you know hospitals don’t do dental work?

Did you know private dentists won’t treat the uninsured?

Did you know that the vast majority of corporate health care coverage in America, on the off chance you have a job AND insurance, still doesn’t cover optical and/or dental even though those are the only two services most employees will ever need barring an actual emergency?

My face is all scrunchy like I’ve had a stroke.

It’s very sexy.

Let freedom ring.

Dear Tumblr:

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 12:28:32 -0500

STOP DESATURATING PICTURES BECAUSE YOU THINK BLACK AND WHITE LOOKS MORE “ARTSY”.

It doesn’t, and you’re a dickhead.

"What you have is rather like birds on the Galapagos islands — an isolated population with..."

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 12:27:15 -0500

“What you have is rather like birds on the Galapagos islands — an isolated population with unique selective pressures resulting in evolutionary divergence from the mainland population. There’s no reason you should be able to understand what these academics are saying because, for several generations, comprehensibility to outsiders has not been one of the selective criteria to which they’ve been subjected. What’s more, it’s not particularly important that they even be terribly comprehensible to each other, since the quality of academic work, particularly in the humanities, is judged primarily on the basis of politics and cleverness. In fact, one of the beliefs that seems to be characteristic of the postmodernist mind set is the idea that politics and cleverness are the basis for all judgments about quality or truth, regardless of the subject matter or who is making the judgment. A work need not be right, clear, original, or connected to anything outside the group. Indeed, it looks to me like the vast bulk of literary criticism that is published has other works of literary criticism as its principal subject, with the occasional reference to the odd work of actual literature tossed in for flavoring from time to time.”

- Chip Morningstar, How to Deconstruct Anything

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Sun, 04 Mar 2012 10:13:31 -0500

“I need to hang out with more herpetologists” is...

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 21:47:57 -0500

“I need to hang out with more herpetologists” is something I say at least once a month.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Impasse Living Solutions, Ltd....

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 14:45:35 -0500

Ladies and gentlemen, the Impasse Living Solutions, Ltd. assortment set.

Photo

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 13:59:50 -0500

I’m not saying I’m on the list for first rental of a...

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 20:36:10 -0500

I’m not saying I’m on the list for first rental of a shiny new hot tub boat this summer, but HOT TUB BOAT THIS SUMMER, Y’ALL.

Getting drunk at night on Lake Union doing a brisk 4mph (or whatever that is in knots) while simultaneously being in a hot tub.

Imagine it, then weep.

Fabrizio de André - Le Passanti When I told my mother I was...

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 15:39:45 -0500

Fabrizio de André - Le Passanti

When I told my mother I was getting married she had a minor coronary, sputtered a few epithets and then made sweeping proclamations along the lines of “You are not moving to Scotland” and “You can’t get married.” She may have also thrown in “You definitely can’t get married if I haven’t met her,” “What if she’s some sort of murderer?” and “Have you lost your mind?”

My mother is old fashioned, and seems to forget that I moved out when I was 15.

My father is even more old fashioned but in a much more agreeable way, and, since I’ve never lived with him, views me more as some weird guy to whom he is vaguely related, which is actually quite accurate.

The one conversation we’ve had on the subject went as follows:

“Why couldn’t you marry an Italian girl?”

“She is Italian.”

“What?”

“She’s Scottish, but her family’s Italian. Her last name’s P______.”

“Oh. Cool.”

End of discussion. Have a good life.

Dago priorities, folks. There are only two. Marry Italian and put more garlic in it.

What is it? Who cares? More garlic.

Who’s this badass babe with the stellar outfit? First babe...

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 13:33:48 -0500

Who’s this badass babe with the stellar outfit?

First babe Michelle Obama, who is probably drawing a picture of her and I armwrestling in the margin of an otherwise neat and orderly list of awesome, healthy groceries she intends to buy later, that we are totally going to turn into a sexy dinner, here in the land of make believe where I live and have dinner with Michelle Obama.

… who is a babe with great arms, nice clothes, and a good grasp of nutrition.

A Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog.

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 09:29:00 -0500

A Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog.

You thought I forgot, didn’t you.

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 04:42:07 -0500

You thought I forgot, didn’t you.

OH NO, WHATEVER WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU? (who are you?)

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 06:52:16 -0500

OH NO, WHATEVER WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU?

(who are you?)