The Fuck Would I Say What For?

Every time I push the button I go, “Shhhhhhh, vacuum,” which makes me think of this:

which makes me giggle, save for the fact that I never do that because I don’t believe in the “hush” setting on my vacuum, or at least that my vacuum can “hush” and “suck” successfully in tandem.

Think about it. Why would they make a vacuum that can be quiet when you want it to, but is otherwise loud as fuck and generally obnoxious, as most vacuums tend to be? Who would want a vacuum cleaner to be quiet some of the time as opposed to all of the time?

Nobody, that’s who. 

Therefore, without any research nor a lick of proof I have concluded that the only explanation is that the vacuum can be quiet only at the expense of its suction power, and, as such, the “hush” feature is garbage and I refuse to use it.

Besides, what good is a vacuum that doesn’t terrify cats? When the uprising* occurs it will only be those of us with Hoovers and Dustbusters that have any hope of survival.

This does not prevent me from going, “Shhhh, vacuum,” for no reason on the frequent occasions I look down and see the hush button, though.

* All cats want you dead. Anything resembling affection is a ruse.