Seattle, I’m looking at you.
You don’t like Ryan Gosling?
1. You’re lying.
2. Fine, how about Kurt Russel’s impenetrable, unfathomably thick and glorious beard, thicker than any other man’s actual hair has ever been, glistening in the strong light of the Antarctic sun?
Tonight, starting at 7pm at The Gypsy Café in Fremont, you can kick back, put your feet up on a coffee table and sink into the plush cushions of a comfortable couch to watch both The Thing (2011) and … The Thing (1982), back-to-back, as the makers of the former intended.
Will there be beer specials?
Yes, fake person I just created. Beer will be 50¢ off, meaning a bottle of PBR or Rainier (or other ‘low class’ beers) will only be $2.25, and subsequently the other 55 delicious ‘high quality’ beers we serve will be a robust but still totally reasonable $3.25.
Will there be popcorn?
Oh my god, you are such a nag. Yes, there will be popcorn. Microwave popcorn, but hey, it’s good enough for millions of other Americans and it’s good enough for you. I slave all day over a hot microwave and you’re always so unsatisfied.
Will you be there?
Of course I will, fake person. Oppressing women’s reproductive rights and destroying the feminist movement while serving a bevy of delicious foodstuffs and fine coffee, as well as tinkering with the projector and singing bad pop songs in an off-key and horrible voice, as always.
Does it cost money?
OH MY GOD SHUT UP. NO. IT IS FREE. 

Seattle, I’m looking at you.

You don’t like Ryan Gosling?

1. You’re lying.

2. Fine, how about Kurt Russel’s impenetrable, unfathomably thick and glorious beard, thicker than any other man’s actual hair has ever been, glistening in the strong light of the Antarctic sun?

Tonight, starting at 7pm at The Gypsy Café in Fremont, you can kick back, put your feet up on a coffee table and sink into the plush cushions of a comfortable couch to watch both The Thing (2011) and … The Thing (1982), back-to-back, as the makers of the former intended.

Will there be beer specials?

Yes, fake person I just created. Beer will be 50¢ off, meaning a bottle of PBR or Rainier (or other ‘low class’ beers) will only be $2.25, and subsequently the other 55 delicious ‘high quality’ beers we serve will be a robust but still totally reasonable $3.25.

Will there be popcorn?

Oh my god, you are such a nag. Yes, there will be popcorn. Microwave popcorn, but hey, it’s good enough for millions of other Americans and it’s good enough for you. I slave all day over a hot microwave and you’re always so unsatisfied.

Will you be there?

Of course I will, fake person. Oppressing women’s reproductive rights and destroying the feminist movement while serving a bevy of delicious foodstuffs and fine coffee, as well as tinkering with the projector and singing bad pop songs in an off-key and horrible voice, as always.

Does it cost money?

OH MY GOD SHUT UP. NO. IT IS FREE.